Thanks for stopping by ‘DO’, happy to have you join.
The last article for this segment was focused on the dos to attract the man you truly desire, If you haven’t checked it out, I highly recommend you do. Quite eye opening on what men truly desire in a woman, and adjustments you can make easily to become a woman every man wants to be with. Today’s piece however, is on the donts and nevers on some observations made and feedback from the guys, on major put offs with today’s Kenyan woman. Pay close attention to each point, for its significance is inevitable.
- Unkempt hair, cheap weaves and nail extensions
It is often said that African women are as proud as a peacock. The said bird as we know it, maintains an upright walking mannerism, head held high, colorful feathers all beautifully in place. It’s demeanor fueled by it’s knowledge that it is beautiful in it’s own skin or in this case, feathers. It is proud in it’s most natural form. Natural meaning undisguised. Something that all the above aren’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against your human hair, I understand the convenience of a good wig. But still under all that is your natural features that you hide all the time, at the expense of your hygiene. Braids and cornrows that look jaded and shaggy should be gotten rid off just as we do expired goods. Cheap weaves that have been recycled for much too long look like garbage. Cheap normally has a short life span, understand that. So either stick to the cheap weaves but change them frequently or start a savings plan towards buying high quality weaves that will last years without tangling and can be washed to keep them smelling fresh. A smart woman will calculate that one huge investment to last her a long time is a better option that multiple merger purchases. (One of the qualities that separate the rich from poor)
Nail extensions – I often sit next to lassies in a salon and see them get nail extensions, only to have them trimmed to a length matching their natural nails. It baffles me as it beats the purpose. Why get extensions the same size as your natural nails in the first place? Not to mention, the added expense? Then there is the claw-like ones, long and further highlighted with neon colors. Honey, it’s the same as wearing shorts on top of trousers. The long nails are already screaming for attention, why not try contrast with a subtle color such as nude shades… Otherwise, if you insist on maintaining long nails, ensure to keep them clean. They are major germ carriers. Give your nails a break from time to time for their health. And I don’t mean apply nail polish to your natural nails, I mean full on plain and natural. This is especially wise if your nails have been weakened and look off from all the tampering. They will repair and regenerate themselves to their natural look as before. Tip: a more elegant look can be achieved by short well groomed nails with a soft color. It is so simple, you can save the salon money and do it yourself from home.
2. Work For your Money. Work For something
In the past, a girl will grow up watching her father provide for everything and everyone in the family, which was a lot easier then. There was more job security, needs and wants were clearly defined, basics’ pricing was standardized. So budgeting for months in advance on home expenses was possible. Not to mention, competition for a superficial lifestyle was not as apparent. Times have changed now. So what was the norm then is pretty hard now. Note I did not describe it as impossible. Today, you will wake up to a Wednesday office meeting where they announce half the team will be retrenched, as a recommendation to cut on expenses and maximize on profit margins realized. What were wants then are now being viewed as needs. Private healthcare, private schools, because lets face it. The public amenities have been run down by mismanagement so badly that the first chance you get get at accessing private sector services, you will grab it! Finally, basic household goods are now being inflated at an alarming rate. All the public cries for government intervention have proven futile. Your bill this month may just not be enough the next. The point I’m driving across is women now have an opportunity to earn a living and help pick up the bills. We may try to fight it all we want but the comfortable lifestyle you dream of will need you to help fund it if it is to become a reality sooner, if ever. So ditch the ‘he’ll buy it for me’ mentality and get your own. Not only because you need to, it’s also the respectable approach to today’s world. Earns you more bargaining power in the relationship too since you become a contributing factor. Earn your seat on the big boy’s table or accept your place at the kiddies play-mat on the floor and stop complaining.
The previous point brings me to this topic. Sponsors, blessers, sugar daddies whatever pleases you to call them. They may be the single most biggest reason for the disconnect in young successful relationships. They play the unfair game of dangling candy they know attracts a child, which then allows them to manipulate the toddler to do whatever he desires. Let me let you in on a secret you may have not figured out yet. You’re donating your best cleavage years to someone that sprinkles breadcrumbs in return. Every dime he spends on you, he knows how he will replace it. If not, he would rather invest the dough in an appreciating asset, you not being one of them. Another one is you realize you can only be the shiny new toy enough times till you become faded and jaded, right? So all the young hustling boys that genuinely seek your love will eventually move on and start their own families with a deserving woman in their thirties and forties. That leaves you with endless cold and lonely nights to look forward to. Worse is if you didn’t use ‘daddy’s’ allowance to establish a stable source of income for yourself, which may leave you broke too. Understand that we can’t all be rich and famous at the same timeframe. Wait your turn.
Tip: The only thing in the human body that appreciates in value through time is the mind. Invest in it to grow it. All the rest will soon slow down with time.
” I would rather be with he that gives me his ninety when all he had was a hundred, than he that gives ten when he had a million“
4. Accept Your Current, Plan and Work Towards Your Future
Competition with the next person is a great injustice to yourself. Because perhaps, you have no clue what a work of art you are. Only challenge yourself to be better than you were yesterday. Only dress to please your eye, not to outdo others. This will give you a piece of mind with your current reality, which builds on your confidence making you more attractive. So become your biggest cheerleader. Stop saying all the harsh words to yourself every time you see your reflection in the mirror, because if you can’t walk up to someone else and start hurling insults to their face, why would you do it to you. The vow, ’till death do us part’ is a revelation of the marriage to your body. No other relationship is bound by the depth of that simple line. So learn to date yourself, take yourself out for a good meal and reflect on all you appreciate about your life. You don’t like something? put a plan in place to work on making it more desirable. Take charge of your finances, however little, and start investing towards your dream brick by brick even before asking for help from potential investors. They will want proof that you have put in the ground work first. Love and grow everything around you. In case you didn’t know, this is your nature. And what is nature, cannot be changed.
5. Quality Over Quantity
In the past, I had the habit of buying something simply because it was cheap. On most occasions I did not need it so it would be useless even before I ever benefited from it’s purchase. This was when I first starting earning a salary, so I knew little about value for money. Don’t we have enough options when it comes to low quality items in the Kenyan market! I sometimes wonder what work is justified by the controls and regulations bodies meant to regulate this. Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Impulse shopping was my demise as I would buy everything I saw and could bargain to my suitable price. The hawkers lined up yelling all sorts of ridiculously low prices, they must have gotten the goods for free! ‘twenty bob! hamsini ya leo! (50 bob) mia moja bei ya jioni!’ Then came online retail again, cheap goods that were of poor quality. We would all line up excited at the huge discounts we were getting, little did we know, we only got what we paid for. A couple of wears after and the color, texture even shape would change, prompting new purchases every week. But as time passed and I became more aware, I started to notice the detail that went into quality material… the silk threading, a clear proof of time spent in making a perfect pattern. All the fake designer items are easy to spot at a first glance so you are not fooling anyone. It is believed that what you choose to associate yourself with, is where you place your measure of personal value at. Be patient till you can afford the authentic pieces. Value yourself enough to not promote counterfeits that only lower your image while increasing expense spent on maintenance. Counterfeit cosmetics can cause irreversible damage and a lot of money to treat medically. Genuine brands will invest to ensure the logo and name last on packaging so if it starts to rub off a few days into use, you purchased fake goods. Note that what is of high quality, cannot be bargained.
- Grammar and speech
A man walks into his house in the night from a hard day’s work, to be greeted by his lovely wife who is busy with what seems to be dinner preparations. Little to her knowledge, he was now the laughing stalk of his work peers, from a minor accident at work… he worked as a miner for a gold extraction company, working the heavy machines deep into the earth in search of the precious metal. Having done this for years, the minor miscalculation was a clear indication his head may have not been in the game at that particular moment. The bigger picture was such mistakes were not to be entertained, since they could mean death to a number of humans if they were buried alive deep into the earth. He had an earned a supervisor role which meant he had people who looked up to him for his expertise and guidance.
Instead of getting into such details b4 dinner, he instead asks the simple question ‘what’s for dinner?’ His lovely wife starts on her decision to go to the store where she met her cousin, even reveals details of their conversation, then the two ladies’ trip to the butcher to pick fresh meat, again another conversation with the butcher, after she then goes to the groceries, complains how of late the owner has been slagging on his job of providing the best fresh fruits and vegetables, giving examples of what seemed dry. Then the slight traffic on her way back home. Until she finally says chicken! All this time, he stood there wondering why she always had a story in place of a sentence. A sentence in place of a word. ‘Dammit woman, why can’t you just say chicken!’ He thought to himself before grunting an okay back and heading to wash up for dinner. Chicken was good since it cooked fast. This would allow him to get into bed early. He needed the rest so that he could start off the next day on a clear mind.
That’s a classic example of how normal conversations with females play out.
Train yourself to be more objective with your speech and focus on only highlighting the important points. Especially at work, during presentations or when sending emails. It presents a confident and professional woman that knows her stuff. Save the explaining for when it is requested.
Side note: To the man reading this, understand that the female brains works like WiFi – it connects everything to everything. So it’s not that she’s intentionally overshares, that’s just how they are wired so don’t hate her for it. Listen to your woman when she speaks because that’s how you learn what matters to her. Details about who she is. This is also how she hints on what she would like from you… so next time she’s mad you didn’t do something but you don’t remember her clearly asking you to, in her head, she already did during one of her story telling episodes!
Words such as Hallow, b4 and mixing English with swahili make you seem illiterate. Mistakes can be made from time to time, but a rerun of the same shows it’s done intentionally. We now have auto-correct, utilize it to make yourself understood better. Long messages are a nuisance and boring to read. Call in stead, if you have a story to tell or be patient till your next face to face meet. Quit spamming someone’s inbox, they saw your message the first time. They just chose to ignore or respond at a later time.
6. Culture of giving
Or lack of rather.
Kenyan men are generally generous. Especially in the dating stages (I can’t account for after marriage but still). He will shower you with gifts every other occasion, pay for dates and hangouts without ever asking to go dutch, upgrade your regular cell to the latest smart phone in the market, send you money whenever you’re in a fix, fund out of town roadtrips… the list is endless. Right from my first boyfriend, I felt spoilt like a princess. And because my father taught me to give back as much as I take to avoid coming off as a beggar, I’d save up my pocket money (I was still in high school) to buy him a birthday gift or something. Wasn’t much but he would be so happy about the simple gesture. Fast forward, one of my guy friends had a birthday party and naturally, I stopped by a store to get him a present. His reaction at receiving the gift was unexpected. It shocked me even more after he opened up about this being the first present he’s ever gotten. Shocking because he had been in a four year relationship, and he always made each bigger and better for his girl. I had assumed she reciprocated the same when his turn came. Boy was I wrong! Second time, same case, my boy’s birthday. He’d gotten me a bottle of really nice perfume for mine (and we know those are not cheap) so I felt obliged to get him something really nice too. Spent a couple of hours shopping around till I found something I could settle on. Wasn’t cheap either, I experienced a bit of buyer’s remorse handing over the cash I must admit, but the feeling was quickly pushed out of my thoughts. I was sure he’d love it. A repeat of the reaction to actually receiving the gift.
Ladies, we need to change the status quo and invest in our men. And no, time and your body are not enough, he gives that too. Let’s stop always giving the same cheap gifts of socks, vests, ties and boxers as well. Why not something more meaningful like foot two months parking fees or replace his car spare parts. Take him out on a nice date and ask him to leave his wallet at home. Plan for a nice vacation out of town and pay for it. Online retail now offer amazing deals on electronic gadgets, why not gift him a decent flat screen tv ahead of the world cup, so he can brag to his mates while they watch the live matches.. buy him a nice two piece suit for his next big meeting. A good quality suit will last years. Or just pay for utility bills. Something! I guarantee you, he will remember you for it. Might just set you apart from the pack.
~ I dream of a world where we only receive as much as we are willing to give. And do both, with matched enthusiasm ~ Wangari
Makeup is the best invention made according to the women who use it. Gives a chance to enhance your appearance and be proud of some features that may feel less than perfect. liven what would have otherwise been a dull face. This is fine. Too much of it however is is not. Especially when done daily and make dependent to a point you never feel confident enough to walk out the house makeup free. You probably just looked up what ‘makeup free’ means right now! It’s purpose should be to enhance the features you already have as God- given, not change them completely. Your little imperfections will be precious to the right guy’s eyes and he will appreciate them. Then there is the case of showing up with badly drawn eyebrows or none at all. We all start from somewhere, I personally am living proof of the blessing makeup tutorials are, they explain on every detail, So with enough practice, you should be okay too. Same goes for blending eye shadow shades. Practice practice makes perfect! Fake lashes when badly done are not a good look. Pay top dollar for the good stuff and professional service to have them fitted. Alternatively, partner up with friends to ship in the good stuff and stock it. After all, you risk eye infections with substandard lash glue. Take initiative to clean up your appearance and work on the deep sited insecurities you may be having. Remember, even the celebrities and makeup bloggers do not always wear a full head of makeup.
A few discoveries I made of amazing Youtubers during my makeup journey, I’d recommend as go to guides for makeup and beauty;
- NikkieTutorials on You tube – She’s amazing with blending eye shadow and pairing lip colors for bold looks. They would be great for parties and vacations.
- Esther Kuria – A Kenyan girl living in the states, she is big on skin care routines. She also does a great job with her nude lip options and highlight finishes.
- Mihlali N – Her eye makeup is always bomb. She’s a go to for subtle eye looks and perfect brows. Great for first dates
- Tiarra Monet – She simplifies drawing up your eyebrows and blending in makeup to achieve a natural look. Perfect for the office and client meetings.
I am sure there are a lot more great Youtubers that I failed to mention, please share any top recommends down below on the comments section.
Don’t fall into the trap where makeup defines you. Become comfortable in your own skin and proud of the features you are generously granted in your natural form. This way, you are not a slave to makeup. You define it’s meaning to your life.
I have heard it is a general perception that Kenyan women do not hold high standards especially when it comes to dating. That they settle for any piece of bone thrown their way. This is direct feedback not just from their Kenyan men, but also foreign ones that have had a chance of interaction with the said ladies. ‘And if they do, they will not communicate them or uphold them for long.’ They went on to explain. A particular American guy I was having a conversation with, went on to narrate a story of the different experiences he had with Nigerian women and Kenyan women when he visited the two capitals and hit a pub. ‘My assessment is Kenyan women are fairer as compared to their Nigerian counterpart. Yet the latter seems to hold themselves in a higher regard, and would not entertain any prepositions I made as counter offers, to what their preferences were. They stuck to their initial decision. This played out throughout the time I was assigned there on official duty. Being my first time in Africa, I had decided all African women hold high expectations of their men. Such was not the case however, when I went partying in what was meant to be a decent club in the city. The females took whatever I was willing to offer. They met me wherever I proposed to meet and even picked my calls late in the night after having ignored them all day.’ He described it as a desperation.
Low self esteem may be a result of poor parenting where we are not taught on the value of self worth, extended bullying in school or emotional abuse from past romantic partners. After having taken into account all previous points made above, you are well on the way to establishing a more healthier outlook to life, by becoming more aware of how to best present yourself to the world. But the magic starts from within… Begin by loving and appreciainge oneself, do the best you can and leave the rest to work itself out. It always does. Be very honest about your feelings on all matters and deal with any negative emotions soon enough so you can move on and be a better version of you. Remember, people respond according to how you let them treat to you.
~Everything in this this life is a choice. Even to love and be loved~
Have you heard about the exciting new movement called the gratitude movement? Scientists made findings on direct link to gratitude and happiness which in turn means success. Success to one person does not hold the same meaning to the next. But it is clear that successful people are generally viewed as happier. I came across this as I went about my usual routine of listening to audios on self help topics. I got so intrigued by the reports on feedback from individuals who had joined the movement, so much that I decided to take up the challenge to test it’s significance. Two weeks into the recommended steps to follow and I was blown away by the power of the gratitude movement. I developed a more positive approach to everything in my life, I had almost no arguments as I learned to see the other person’s point of view, the things I previously viewed as meager now seemed abundant. Most importantly, it dawned on me on how much I used to complain all the time. This meant I was constantly unhappy and tense about what I thought would go wrong next. So what is this gratitude movement? Well it starts with practicing to say simple but frequent thank you notes on what you have now, right from the moment you wake up. Once this practice becomes a habit, extend it to being grateful for what is to come. Say thank you for the things that you long for, as if they are already yours. You are invited you to try this. I am living proof that it works… Just today, I received a gift I longed for and had thanked my God for I believed I would soon have it in my possession. Remember that you cannot fool yourself and the greater force that grants all of earth and beyond everything. So mean it from deep within as you start your journey on the gratitude movement.
~ The problem is in today’s world, we are encouraged to cover the problems we exncounter in stead of facing and dealing with them. You are experiencing a breakout, you hide it under layers of makeup. You are unhappy in your relationship, you result into cheating. Your grades are not that good in school, you pay someone to do the resit. You are not making as much of an impact as you’d like at work, you start complaining and want to quit yet it’s only been five months since you joined, your trust is broken and you feel rejected, you want to commit suicide. Problems are meant to help you grow and learn from them. Imagine what a bore it would be in a world free of difficulties and drama… so we we’d sit around having tea parties and talk about how perfect our lives are. Not realistic. One thing is for sure though, media would have nothing to report since there would be no such thing as News!~
Thank you for reading this far, I sincerely hope that this was educative and fun. I will put a pause on the topic for now to avoid this piece being too long and time consuming. However, this is only the start of a series so look out for a continuation.
If you have points that you feel should have made the list, pop them down below on the comments section and keep the conversation going. I’d love to hear what you thought of the points, and if you are already practicing them, how they have impacted your life. Lets keep growing each other as females instead of destroying and competing with each other. Strive to imitate the graceful bird that is the Peacock.
Don’t forget to share with that person you know needs to see this!